13 Feb 2007 - 18:42:33 - DannyDeCockYou are here: Godot's Twiki >  Main Web > CrossingTheRoadTOC

Wise statements...

Category Saying Author
definition Dawn, n.: the time when men of reason go to bed -
fact The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true James Branch Cabell
fact A candle loses none of its light by lighting another candle -
fact A little nonsense now and then, is cherished by the wisest men -
fact Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature -
definition A pessimist is a decently informed optimist -
fact Bad taste is timeless -
fact Beware the fury of a patient man -
fact Bread always falls butter-side down. If it doesn't you buttered it on the wrong side -
fact Careers are not made by backing up losers -
fact Controlled apathy it is the solution -
fact Trust those who seek the truth but doubt those who say they have found it Andre Gide
fact Damaged people are dangerous. Survival makes them so. They have no pity. They know others can survive, as they did Josephine Hart
fact Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can survive Louis Malle
fact Defeat is worse than death: one has to live with defeat -
fact Do not forget until too late that the business of life is not business but living Barry C. Forbes
fact Don't kid yourself. Little is relevant, and nothing lasts forever -
fact Every man is given the key to the gates of heaven. The same key opens the gates of hell -
fact Everything comes too late for those who only wait -
fact Everything is bad if you remember it Homer Simpson
fact Everything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out -
fact The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist Verbal, the Usual Suspects
fact Friends come and go. Enemies accumulate -
fact God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change. Courage to change the things I can. And the wisdom to know the difference -
fact Good advice is one of those insults that ought to be forgiven -
fact If it is provably secure, it is probably not Lars R. Knudsen
smile Famous last words: Don't worry, I can handle it -
smile Famous last words: I have just had eighteen whiskeys in a row. I do believe that is a record -
smile Fortune provides questions for the great answers: #21 A: Dr. Livingston I. Presume. Q: What's Dr. Presume's full name? -
fact Idealism is the despot of thought, just as politics is the despot of will Mikhail Bakunin
guess Action is the enemy of thought -
guess An honest politician is one who when he's bought, stays bought Simon Cameron
guess As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error -
guess Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done -
fact Common sense ain't common Will Rogers
guess Do I look like a people person? -
guess Everything on this list may be wrong -
guess Forgiving is God's function. Our job is to arrange the meeting -
life Good artists copy; great artists steal Pablo Picasso
life Happiness is what you remember -
life Have your cake and eat it -
life He knows not how to know who knows not also how to unknow -
life Hell hath no fury like a pacifist -
life He that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book B. Franklin
life He who is scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward has few friends -
life He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword j.c.
life He who minds his own business is never unemployed -
life History is written by the survivors -
life Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper Francis Bacon
life How about never? Is never good for you? -
life Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill -
life I am out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message -
life I am really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way -
life I bring not peace, I bring a sword God
life I can resist everything except temptation Oscar Wilde
life I do not know what your problem is, but I would bet it is hard to pronounce -
life I do not suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it -
life I do not work here. I am a consultant -
life I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the other hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out -
life If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of scepticism Friedrich Nietzsche
life If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it W. C. Fields
life If in a fight, hit first and hit hard -
life If one tells the truth, one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out Oscar Wilde
life If the thunder don't get you, then the lightning will -
life If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it? -
life If you cannot convince them, confuse them Harry S. Truman
life If you have to think twice about it, you're wrong -
life If you think things can't get worse you probably lack sufficient imagination -
life I have been on a diet for two weeks and all I have lost is two weeks Totie Fields
life I have learned. I will rise. And you'll see me return. Being what I am Sinead
life I have never let my schooling interfere with my education Mark Twain
life I have noticed several design suggestions in your code -
life I know I am paranoid, but I worry about whether I am paranoid enough -
life I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones Albert Einstein
life I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid -
life I miss the dinosaurs -
life I mostly stay calm in crisis situations. I am usually the cause of it... -
life Indifference will certainly be the downfall of mankind, but who cares? -
life I never made a mistake in my life. I thought I did once, but I was wrong -
life Insert clever phrase here -
life In theory, there should be no difference between theory and practice, but in practice, there is William T. Harbaugh
life I started out with nothing and still have most of it left -
life It has been a business doing pleasure with you -
life It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit Harry S. Truman
life It is better to be lucky than to be good! Louis H. Albert
life It is better to have tried and failed than to have failed to try -- the result is the same -
life It is better to learn late than never -
life It is better to regret something you have done, than to regret something you haven't done -
life It is easier to get forgiveness than permission -
life It is no good to continue blaming yourself. Blame yourself once and move on Bart Simpson
life It is not about reality, it is about perception -
life It is not worth the bother of killing yourself, since you always kill yourself too late -
life It takes a clever man to turn cynic and a wise man to be clever enough not to Fannie Hurst
life I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure -
life I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you -
life Just because the message may never be received does not mean it is not worth sending -
life Just because your are paranoid does not mean they are not after you K. Cobain
life Justice -- A decision in your favor -
life Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read Mark Twain
life Late children are early orphans -
life Law of the Jungle: he who hesitates is lunch -
life Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience -
life Liever gehaat voor de waarheid, dan bemind voor een leugen cfr. Herman Teirlinck
life Live never to be ashamed if anything you do or say is published around the world -- even if what is published is not true Messiah's Handbook, Reminders for the Advanced Soul
life Love cannot be much younger than the lust for murder Sigmund Freud
life Many pages make a thick book -
life Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out Montaigne
life Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred -
life Mediocrity - It takes a lot less time and most people won't notice the difference until it's too late -
life Money talks -- it usually says: Bend over -
life Mumble a few words in church and you get married -- Mumble a few words in your sleep and get divorced -
life Never make a promise -- You might have to keep it Julianne Moore in The end of the Affair
life Never get into fights with ugly people -- They have nothing to lose -
life Never laugh at live dragons -
life Never reveal your best argument -
life Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon -
life Nobody ever ruined their eyesight by looking at the dark side of something -
life No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right -
life No negotiations in times of war -- No compromises in times of peace -
life No one leaves without paying -
life Of course there is no reason for it: this is the company policy... -
life One gets much further with a kind word and a gun than with a kind word alone Al Capone
life One must be a wise reader to quote wisely and well -
life One teaches best what one most needs to learn -
life Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up A. A. Milne
life Pandora's Rule: Never open a box you didn't close -
life Paranoia: a healthy understanding of the way the universe works -
life People prefer certainty to truth -
life Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment -
life Predestination was doomed from the start -
life Punctuality is the art of guessing how late the other fellow is going to be -
life Rules are made for strict obedience of the fools, and guidance of the wise -
life Sarcasm is just one more service we offer -
life Say what you mean, mean what you say Madonna
life Short people get rained on last -
life Somebody should have warned the Trojans: beware of gifts bearing Greeks -
life Some marriages are made in heaven -- but so are thunder and lightning -
life Sure, drinking kills brain cells, but only the weak ones -
life Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy -
life Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, but it needs a very clever woman to manage a fool Kipling
life Thank you. We are all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view -
life The best prophet of the future is the past -
life The finest eloquence is that which gets things done -
life The future isn't what it used to be -
life The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance -
life The hard part about being a bartender is figuring out who is drunk and who is just stupid Richard Braunstein
life The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who in time of great moral crises maintain their neutrality Dante Alighieri
life The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon -
life The most important vi key sequence: `ESC q !`: exit and save the file -- from being corrupted -
fact The most successful people are those who are good at plan B James Yorke
life Theory is important, at least in theory Keith Martin
life The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it George Bernard Shaw
life There are no winners in life -- only survivors -
life There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over -
life The secret of happiness is total disregard of everybody -
life The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven Mark Twain
life The truth you speak has no past and no future. It is, and that's all it needs to be -
life This sentence does in fact not have the property it claims not to have -
life Today could just as easily be the last day of the rest of your miserable life -
life Today is the first miserable day of the rest of your life -
life Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday -
life To err is human -- forgiving is against company policy -
life Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be executed -
life Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence Henrik Tikkanen
life Trust is good, control is better Winston Churchill
life Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances -
life War has started now, and truth will win Sinead
life We are born crying, live complaining, and die disappointed Thomas Fuller, M.D
life We do not have time to stop for gas - we are already late -
life We don't spy on you, but we do keep an eye on those that do -
life Well, I would not complain about you... -
life What garlic is to food, insanity is to art -
life When in doubt tell the truth Mark Twain
life When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will -
life Writing is turning one's worst moments into money J.P. Donleavy
life You are as I am with You -
life You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are -
life You are definitely on their list. The question to ask next is what list it is -
life You are only young once, but you can be immature for ever Solomon Short
life You are the free lunch -
life You cannot be late until you show up -
life You definitely intend to start living sometime soon -
life You deserve the gods you worship -
life You have many friends and very few living enemies -
life You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled -
life You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough -
life You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass -
life You will pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please disregard this message -
life You will remember something that you should not have forgotten -
life You work very hard. Do not try to think as well -
observation A beer delayed is a beer denied -
observation A cynic is not merely one who reads bitter lessons from the past, he is one who is prematurely disappointed in the future Sidney J. Harris
observation A little ignorance can go a long way -
observation A man is in love is when he divorces his wife -
observation Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to sell it -
observation Any idiot can die for a cause. What takes a real genius is living for one -
observation A psychiatrist has learned how to live with it -
observation Better to be hated for the truth than to be loved for a lie cfr. Herman Teirlinck
observation Booze is the answer. I do not remember the question Forgotten
observation Building a better mousetrap merely results in smarter mice Charles Darwin
observation Consulting is the combination of "con" and "insult" and heck, I can do that! Steve (Hamster) Ball
observation Do not take life too seriously -- one never gets out of it alive -
observation Perfection is attained, not when there is nothing more to be added, but when there is nothing more to be taken away Antoine de Saint-Exupery
suggestion Be not anxious about what you have, but about what you are Pope St. Gregory I
suggestion Be not sick too late, nor well too soon Benjamin Franklin
suggestion Be prepared to leave everything and run! -
suggestion Better be paranoid than dead -
suggestion Cure the disease: kill the patient -
suggestion Do good and care not to whom Italian Proverb
suggestion Do not have good ideas if you are not willing to be responsible for them -
suggestion Do not read everything you believe -
suggestion Don't believe in miracles -- rely on them -
suggestion Expecting the worst is the least you can do -
suggestion For good, return good. For evil, return justice -
observation To be absolutely certain about something, one must know everything or nothing about it Henry Kissinger
fact A man can be destroyed, not defeated Ernest Hemmingway
fact Premature optimization is the root of all evil D. E. Knuth
fact Life goes on and on. It always does. Until it doesn't Victor in Eyes wide shut
fact It is not about what you know. It is about what you can prove Enemy of the State
fact No one leaves without paying Shopping
fact To every man is given the key to the gates of heaven. The same key opens the gates of hell Indian Saying
observation You are right if you think you cannot do it Mary Kay Ash
observation The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the envelope  
observation Where there is no police, there is no speed limit Roman Law
observation Life is feared by pessimists, dreamed by optimists, and fought by realists T-Shirt Humour
fact To be is to do Immanuel Kant

Basic answers to the basic question "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

  • Al Bundy: It was married... With children!

  • Al Gore's Answer: I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.

  • Al Gore's Second Answer: I fight for the chickens and I am fighting for the chickens right now. I will not give up on the chickens crossing the road! I will fight for the chickens and I will not disappoint them

  • Albert Camus' Answer: It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning except to him.

  • Albert Einstein's Answer: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

  • Albert Einstein's Second Answer: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

  • Andy Rooney (CBS): I could have said "Didja ever wonder why it is that the chicken crossed the road, and which road it was?" But I didn't. I did ask some turkeys, however, and this is what they said...

  • Aristotle's Answer: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

  • Aristotle's Second Answer: To actualize it's potential.

  • Ayn Rand: A chicken's first duty is to itself. And only by living for itself is it able to achieve the things which are the glory of chickenkind. Such is the nature of achievement.

  • Barbara Walters' Answer: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.

  • B.F. Skinner's Answer: Because the external influences, which had pervaded its sensorium from birth, had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own freewill.

  • Bill Clinton's Answer: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?

  • Bill Clinton's Second Answer: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. However, I did ask Vernon Jordan to find the chicken a job in New York.

  • Bill Cosby's Answer: Weeelll, ya see, the chicken crossed the road, and to get... to...the jello pudding pops.

  • Bill Gates' Answer: I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

  • Bill Gates's Second Answer: We own the road. We own the chicken. It's none of your damn business.

  • Bob Dole: Bob Dole says "To get to the other side."

  • Old proverb with origin in the American chicken population: The grass was greener on the other side of the road.

  • Buddha's Answer: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.

  • Captain Kirk's Answer: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

  • Carl Jung's Answer: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and, therefore, synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.

  • Channel 7 (WSVN, Miami) News Team: In a story you will see only on WSVN, a young homeless chicken crosses the road in Citron Beach for the very first time... The orphaned chicken is hit by a speeding car and is thrown sky high... Authorities are still trying to pick up the pieces. At the family's request, the chicken's remains will be used to make chicken soup for the orphaned chicks...
    This just in... Is OJ's golf game getting worse, now that he's in the custody battle of his life?

  • Chico Marx: Why a duck? Why-a-no chicken?

  • COBOL Programmers:
0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING
IF NO-MORE-VEHICLES THEN
PERFORM 0010-CROSS-THE-ROAD
VARYING STEPS FROM 1 BY 1 UNTIL
ON-THE-OTHER-SIDE
ELSE
GO TO 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING

  • Colin Powell's Answer: This is not about whether inspectors made sure the chicken crossed the road, it's about the willingness of the chicken to cross the road voluntarily.

  • Colonel Harlan Sanders's Answer: I missed one?

  • Colonel Harlan Sanders's Second Answer: It wasn't one of our chickens. They don't have to, because now KFC delivers!

  • Craig Crossman, host of Computer America: To lay hundreds, even thousands, of eggs.

  • Darwin's Answer: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

  • Darwin's Second Answer: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

  • David Hume's Answer: Out of custom and habit.

  • Deanna Troi: It was experiencing -- GREAT PAIN -- TORMENT!

  • Douglas Adams's Answer: Forty-two.

  • Dr. Emmett Brown: Road? Where we're going we don't need roads!

  • Dr. Seuss' Answer: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not been told!

  • Emily Dickenson's Answer: Because it could not stop for death.

  • Epicurus's Answer: For fun.

  • Ernest Hemingway's Answer: To die. In the rain. Alone.

  • Fox Mulder's Answer: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

  • George Bush's Answer: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

  • George Bush's Second Answer: Read my chicken lips. To face a kinder, gentler thousand points of headlights.

  • George Orwell's Answer: Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.

  • Gandhi's Answer: All chickens should peacefully resist by crossing the road.

  • Gilligan and the Skipper: The traffic started getting rough; the chicken had to cross. If not for the plumage of its peerless tail the chicken would be lost, the chicken would be lost.

  • Grandpa's Answer: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

  • Groucho Marx: You try to cross over there a chicken, and you'll find out why-a-no chicken. It's deep water, that's viaduct.

  • Henry David Thoreau's Answer: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.

  • Hillary Rodham Clinton: I don't bake cookies; I don't cook chicken. I am not a crook -- er, I am not a cook.

  • Hippocrates's Answer: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.

  • Howard Cosell's Answer: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homosapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.

  • Homer Simpson's Answer: There was free beer on the other side of the road.

  • H. Ross Perot: No, no, it's not about me, Larry. It's about the chicken.

  • Immanuel Kant's Answer: chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the road of his own free will.

  • Immanuel Kant's Second Answer: The chicken was acting out of a sense of duty to cross the road, as chickens have traditionally crossed roads throughout history

  • Information Minister: There is no such chicken trying to cross the road, and there never has been any such chicken.

  • Isaac Newton's Answer: The duck suggested to the chicken that they play follow the leader then the duck crossed the road causing the chicken to cross after it, but at the same time holding up traffic, thus proving that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction .

  • Isaac Newton's Second Answer: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.

  • Jack Nicholson's Answer: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.

  • Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!

  • James Carville: Because the mean-spirited Republican majority in congress was going to cook the chicken and leave only the sun-bleached bones picked bare for the American people that they'd throw out in the street, Larry!

  • Jean-Paul Sartre's Answer: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

  • Jean Chretien: OK, for me, de chicken, 'e crossed de road because 'is team was der, and because 'e 'ad de plan.

  • Jerry Falwell's Answer: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what they call it -- the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side.".

  • Jerry Seinfield's Answer: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"

  • Jessica Simpson's Answer: Why would he be on a road, I thought chickens lived in the ocean?

  • Johann Friedrich von Goethe's Answer: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.

  • John Lennon's Answer: Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

  • John Locke's Answer: Because he was exercising his natural right to liberty.

  • Joseph Stalin's Answer: I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omlette.

  • John Sununu's Answer: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.

  • Johnny Cochran's Answer: Because the road was black and the chicken was white. We must acquit.

  • Karl Marx's Answer: It was an historical inevitability.

  • Katherine McKinnon: Because, in this patriarchial state, for the last four centuries, men have applied their principles of justice in determining how chickens should be cared for, their language has demeaned the identity of the chicken, their technonogy and trucks have decided how and where chickens will be distributed, their science has become the basis for what chickens eat, their sense of humor has provided the framework for this joke, their art and film have given us our perception of chicken life, their lust for flesh has made the chicken the most consumned animal in the US, and their legal system has left the chicken with no other recourse.

  • Ken Starr's Answer: I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the president of the United States of America, in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he cooperates fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road, until our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations, have been completed. (We also are investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the Rev. Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his feathers.).

  • Kelly Bundy: How do you spell chicken?

  • Kurt Vonnegut: And so it goes -- to the other side.

  • Linda Tripp's Answer: "I've been friends with this chicken for a long time. I only recorded the chicken's crossing of the road because it was important for the country to know what was going on Pennsylvania Ave."

  • Louis Farrakhan's Answer: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

  • Louis Farrakkan's Second Answer: It wasn't one chicken, you lying white devils! It was TEN MILLION chickens!

  • Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road," and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.

  • Malcolm X: It was coming home to roost.

  • Marcy Jefferson: Why do you keep calling me a chicken?

  • Mark Twain's Answer: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

  • Martha Stewart's Answer: No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

  • Martin Luther King Jr's Answer: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

  • M.C. Escher's Answer: That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time.

  • Monty Python's Answer: The Larch.

  • Moses's Answer: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

  • Moses's Second Answer: Know ye that it is unclean to eat the chicken that has crossed the road, and that the chicken that crosseth the road doth so for its own preservation.

  • Mr. Spock: It seemed like the logical thing to do at the time.

  • Neil Armstrong's Answer: To go where no chicken has gone before.

  • Neil Armstrong's Second Answer: That's one small step for Chicken, one giant leap for Chicken kind.

  • Nicollo Machiavelli's Answer: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

  • Nicollo Machiavelli's Second Answer: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.

  • Nietzsche's Answer: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.

  • Noam Chomsky: The chicken didn't exactly cross the road. As of 1994, something like 99.8% of all US chickens reaching maturity that year, had spent 82% of their lives in confinement. The living conditions in most chicken coops break every international law ever written, and some, particularly the ones for chickens bound for slaughter, border on inhumane. My point is, they had no chance to cross the road (unless you count the ride to the supermarket). Even if one or two have crossed roads for whatever reason, most never get a chance. Of course, this is not what we are told. Instead, we see chickens happily dancing around on Sesame Street and Foster Farms commercials where chickens are not only crossing roads, but driving trucks (incidentally, Foster Farms is owned by the same people who own the Foster Freeze chain, a subsidiary of the dairy industry). Anyway, ... (Chomsky continues for 32 pages. For the full text of his answer, contact Odonian Press)

  • O.J. Simpson's Answer: It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.

  • Oliver North: National Security was at stake.

  • Oliver Stone's Answer: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

  • Omar Khayam: The moving chicken fingers write, and having writ, move on.

  • Pat Buchanan's Answer: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

  • Pete Rose's Answer: I don't know, but I swear I didn't bet on it.

  • Plato's Answer: For the greater good.

  • Pierre de Fermat's Answer: I just don't have room here to give the full explanation...

  • Politically Correct Person: Don't blame the chicken! Society is to blame. The chicken did cross the road, but he or she was merely a victim of this racist, bigoted, sexist society. We are all to blame, for failing to provide... [blah, blah, blah -- ad nauseam]

  • President Ronald Reagan: Ask Mommy. I forgot.

  • Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?

  • Ralph Nader's Answer: The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

  • Raloh Nader's Second Answer: Chickens are misled into believing there is a road by the evil tire makers. Chickens aren't ignorant, but our society pays tire makers to create the need for these roads and then lures chickens into believing there is an advantage to crossing them. Down with the roads, up with chickens.

  • Ralph Waldo Emerson's Answer: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

  • Rene Descartes's Answer: Since the chicken does not really exist it was only an illusion that the chicken crossed the road. This illusion was only in my mind. Therefore I created the chicken that crossed the road.

  • Richard Nixon's Answer: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.

  • Richard Nixon's Second Answer: I don't know any chickens. I have never known any chickens.

  • Robert Frost: To cross the road less traveled by.

  • Rush Limbaugh's Answer: I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.

  • Rush Limbaugh's Second Answer: It was having more fun than a chicken should be allowed to have, listening to the Rush Limbaugh program on the EIB network and reveling in its righteousness!

  • Saddam Hussein's Answer: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

  • Salvador Dali's Answer: The Fish.

  • Scully's Answer: It was a simple bio-mechanical reflex that is commonly found in chickens.

  • Secretary Cheney's Answer: Chickens are big-time because they have wings. They could fly if they wanted to. Chickens don't want to cross the road. They don't need help crossing the road. In fact, I'm not interested in crossing the road myself.

  • Senator Edward Moore "Teddy" Kennedy: I panicked.

  • Senator Lieberman's Answer: I believe that every chicken has the right to worship his or her God in his or her own way. Crossing the road is a spiritual journey and no chicken should be denied the right to cross the road in his or her own way.

  • Shakespeare's Answer: To cross or not to cross, that is the question.

  • Sigmund Freud's Answer: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

  • Sigmund Freud's Second Answer: The chicken obviously was female and obviously interpreted the pole on which the cross walk sign was mounted as a phallic symbol of which she was envious, selbstverstaendlich.

  • Snoop Dogg's Answer: This (censored) fool of a chicken didn't (censored) know what the (censored) he was doin crossin a (censored) alley in (censored) Harlem at 1:00 in the (censored) mornin'.

  • Stephen Jay Gould: It is possible that there is a sociobiological explanation for it, but we have been deluged in recent years with sociobiological stories despite the fact that we have little direct evidence about the genetics of behavior, and we do not know how to obtain it for the specific behaviors that figure most prominently in sociobiological speculation.

  • Steve Jobs's (Apple) Answer: Because of the brand-new iChicken- a portable device that crosses roads, lays eggs, gives wakeup calls and provides dinner, automatically. This amazing device can simply plug in to the $4000 iCoop to produce additional iChickens and recharge existing iChickens, or plug it into the $9000 iChop to convert iChicken files into iFood. iFood-to-Regular Food converters sell for an additional $50/month fee, however the optional iFood-to-FoodXP converter is still in development. iChickens are only available from authorized iDealers, which can be found in nearly every US state. If your iChicken develops a disease or stops working, you must send it by FedEx Overnight to Littleton, Montana and our iTechnicians will send you a replacement within 3 months. The iChicken. Wow.

  • The Pope's Answer: That is only for God to know.

  • The Sphinx's Answer: You tell me.

  • Thomas de Torquemada's Answer (Spanish inquisition): Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

  • Timothy Leary's Answer: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.

  • Tom Leykis: I cannot bee-LEEVE that women are SO shocked to hear that the reason the chicken crossed the road is because the rooster was trying to get into her pants!

  • Voltaire's Answer: I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.

  • Walter Cronkite: That's the way it is.

  • Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.

  • Western New York Retailers: To see the hens in Hens & Kelly's window.

  • WFTL's Dante DeAngelis: Now let me get this straight. You're saying a chicken crossed the road, and now YOU'RE asking ME, "WHY?"

  • William Jefferson Clinton (president): That depends on how yuh define "road".

  • WWNN's Adam Clatsoff: If you had been hatched where the chicken was hatched, and had been raised where the chicken was raised, and eaten the same chicken feed that the chicken had eaten, you probably would have crossed the road, too.

  • Bud's challenge: Q: Why did the Great Woolly Mammoth cross the road?
    A: Because they didn't have chickens in the Ice Age.

  • AnonYmous's contribution: Because there was a toilet bowl on the other side.

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